Pthbt

It turns out that going to the grocery store on Valentine's Day while in the midst of a painful separation is not a good idea. It is filled with amorous people buying flowers, chocolates, and ingredients for romantic meals. You might wind up going back to your Jeep and sobbing quietly into your bag of pickles, malted milk balls, and pads; and wondering where it all went wrong.

But then, if you are lucky, you might return home to find that your awesome sister has sent you (and only you- not "Mr. & Mrs.") a Valentine's Day card, signed by each of your 4 favorite nieces and nephews, and it will make your entire day, week, and probably month.

Valentine's Day still sucks though.

A New Phase

I still have 3 weeks before moving. I want to keep moving and getting things done, but there's not a whole lot I can do right now being that far out. I've decided that I'm going to buy some furniture- a couch and bed- instead of trying to move a futon and a big chair I don't really want. It's not so much the "moving it in" part, but what to do with it once I don't need it. Craigslist and Freecycle are okay, but I'm not super keen on the idea of parading strangers through my apartment when it will be easy to see that I live alone. So for the sake of convenience, I'll just get new stuff. That way someone else has to deal with moving it in.

So anyway, with more time to sit and do nothing, I started to realize that all my packing and planning was a terrific way to keep my brain from actually dealing with the situation. Now it's starting to seep in, and I think I'm trying to come up with things (like buying new furniture) to push it back out. I spend a silly amount of time at Lowes thinking up ridiculous ways to decorate, and then I go home and try to think of ways to do it cheaper. I figure it's fine as long as my coping mechanisms aren't self-destructive. I can deal with it all when my mind decides it's ready.

I think I'll go to the mall today. Maybe I can find some bookends. Retail therapy is only destructive if you spend beyond your means, right? Otherwise it's okay, right? At least for a little while?

Well Okay Then

The past month (or two or three) have been a little nutty. Actually a lot nutty. It turns out that Scott wants a divorce, and as he can afford the mortgage, I will be moving out. I don't really want to get into the hows and whys of it all on the internets, but the very, very general summery of it is as follows:

Things were very, very tense between us for several months. A few weeks ago, I asked if it was over. He said yes. It's not what I wanted, but one person does not a marriage make. There was a week or so of debilitating depression before I picked myself up by the bootstraps and decided my only choice was to move on.

I think my mildly traumatic adolescence has led to my brain developing a few crossed wires. When life is good, I find things to complain about. I develop anxieties. I pretty much suck at being happy. It's like I'm just waiting for a shoe to drop somewhere. But when something epically shitty happens, I'm right at home. I feel normal. Suddenly I'm making plans and doing things and being a generally normal, productive adult. So the past couple weeks have been surprisingly not that bad.

I got an apartment. Things are being done to move our separation along smoothly. It seems like the pieces are coming together nicely to form my own little life sans Scott. I'm doing a fantastic job of grasping tightly to any good that has come of the situation- I can decorate any way I want. I can watch crappy movies without hearing snide comments. When I buy ice cream it won't disappear in two days before I've had a chance to eat any. It's truly the little things that count, folks.

And to be honest, I'm pretty stoked about living by myself. I went straight from living at home to living with Scott, so it's new territory for me. It's a little scary, but I'm sure it will be good for me.

So anyway, that's what I've been up to the past several weeks. My moving date is March 6th, so until then I'll mostly be packing and getting ready. Hopefully I will get settled quickly, so I can take a zillion pictures of the awesomeness I have planned for my new place (two words: pink pegboard).

Wish me luck!