In Which I Never Learn

Wearing ponytails almost exclusively for the past year or so has really done a number on my hair. I think there may be additional things going on (crappy health, stress) that are contributing to that problem, but mostly I think it's the ponytails. I tried using only scrunchies, since they seemed to be more gentle, but I don't think it was helping. Since growing out my pixie cut, it's only been cut 1.5 times (the .5 was when I trimmed up the back myself when it was looking a bit mullet-esque). It was time for another cut to get rid of all the dead ends and the last of the dyed bits. I figured shoulder length should do it, but ultimately decided to go a bit shorter and toyed with the notion of bangs. Do I dare admit that what I wanted was a bob? I do. It was. Except no layers- I think that's where the stylists fuck me. They all seem to think layers will help, but they never do. I considered the fact that the cut I desired consisted of cutting one straight line, and decided that The Hair Cuttery would suffice. After all, even a shitty stylist should possess the scissory aptitude of a six year old, right?

Not so much, apparently.

It started out okay. I had brought a picture procured from the innerwebs to show the length I desired. I also pointed to the exact spot on my neck. I tried to be very clear, even though I probably wouldn't have cared if she was an inch off in either direction. I had brought a second picture to demonstrate the bangs I liked, but told her to leave that part out for now- I would prefer to decide at the end. She washed my hair and got to snipping.

Very quiet alarms sounded almost immediately. She was distracted. She had to walk away 3-4 times to help the receptionist with the register. She referred back to my picture and said, "Now this cut has very few layers, it's just a blunt cut..." "Yes!" I interjected, "I don't want any layers. Just straight across, please." She seemed dubious, but kept snipping away. About 3 minutes into the cut, she discovered during small talk that I was about a decade older than she thought. It's not uncommon, and most people are afraid they've offended me (they probably haven't), but this woman seemed sort of disturbed by it. As though I had somehow offended her. The alarms got louder. Our chit-chat grew awkward. Everything irked her: I've been married for 9 nears. My husband is a tattoo artist. I have a 16 year old stepdaughter, but don't really want babies. You'd think I was telling her how I like to punch kittens or throw rocks off overpasses. I chalked it up to personal differences, and let the conversation die. At that point she was ready to start blow drying my hair anyway.

As she dried, I noticed that one side was a little longer than the other. So did she, and she snipped off a little bit to even it out before blowing the ends under. I did not notice that she had overcompensated. At some point she said she had done something to the ends to "give it some movement." I wrongly assumed that she was talking about the little texturizing snippets I saw her making on the ends- THAT I would have been fine with. She finished blowing the ends under, but one side wanted to blow out instead of under. So she attempted to fix it with a flat iron. It didn't work. What it did do was make the ends of my hair L shaped. It seemed like she was having a long day, so I let it go thinking that at least the cut was even. She showed me the back, which looked fine blown under, and we were done. Wanting to just get out of there, I nixed the bangs, paid, and left.

I got home and went right up to the bathroom for a better look. I was, um, a little surprised. There were layers. They were only in back, and they made the back of my hair flip straight out- just like that loathsome bob I got back in 2008. What the fuck. Sometimes I think that maybe I never actually speak- I just hallucinate that I'm speaking. Because I vividly remembered saying, "No layers, just straight across." I turned my attention to my L shaped ends. That was an easy fix. I wet the ends so that I could re-dry them, and that's when I saw how uneven they were. The right was a solid 1/2" longer than the left in front. Remembering that she had cut my hair while it was parted in the center, but styled it parted on left, I thought that might be the cause. No dice. Moving my part simply moved the extra length to the other side. Fuuuuuck. This is why I don't get my hair cut very often.

My choices were further butchery at the hands of another stylist, or fix it myself. I opted to fix it myself. Using my dinky pair of hair scissors and a hand mirror, I did it. First I evened out the sides, then worked on the back. It turns out that she had also interpreted "straight across" as "slightly longer in the back," so eliminating the layers wasn't a problem. Once it was all cut, rinsed, and blow dried, I cut my bangs exactly how I wanted them- long and side swept. I did a surprisingly decent job. Here is the photographic evidence:

Hair I Wanted: (please show me where the layers are, because I can't see them)



















Bangs I Wanted:



















End Result:



















I don't know what that lady's problem was, but I'm never going back to Hair Cuttery again, no matter how simple my needs. Next time I think I want to do something basic enough for them, I'll just do it myself to begin with and use the money to buy more yarn.