An Open Letter...

An Open Letter to the Previous Occupants of Our Home:

Dear Alleged Drug Manufacturers,

You guys were disturbingly filthy. I'm going to assume that you were in a constant state of fucked-the-shit-up during your stay here, because normal people could not possible live like this. First, it's obvious the microwave had never been cleaned. Ever.

We were able to clean the front after lots of scrubbing with a toothbrush, but the top required the help of a razor blade.

See that glob of goo? What the hell is that? Need a closer look?

I just threw up a little. Seriously, how the hell did you do that in less that two years!?

The oven presented a new challenge.

We're still working on the burner grates, which are likely never going to be fully "clean" again.

We were wondering what the goo was on the side of the oven- Scott guessed boxed mashed potatoes, I think it's gravy. Are we close? And what's up with the floor- do you have something against Swiffers?

We found this stain on the living room floor, surrounded by cigarette burns. Those ashtrays can be tricky sometimes.

Ahhh! We haven't started cleaning the bathrooms yet, as we've been awaiting a hazmat team. Do you happen to know the shelf life of the hepatitis virus? Just curious...

The upstairs hall presented another question: what's with this dribbly trail leading from the master bedroom all the way down the stairs?

I find it hard to believe anyone could be so consistently drippy for such a distance, which makes me think it's dog pee. It must be hard to wake up from a drug induced coma just to walk the dog.

But I think our biggest question is what is that brownish-reddish crap that seems to be everywhere? We found it splattered in the following locations: vertical blinds, sprinklers in the kitchen and living room, kitchen ceiling vents, dining room windows, stove, sliding doors, kitchen ceiling, several outlets and a few light switches. If we had know how prolific that shit was, we'd have taken some pictures... It was everywhere. Did your meth lab explode? The goo did sort of resemble cough syrup. Especially the goo on the stove. Hmm.

Well in any case, after two long days of scrubbing, we've nearly made the kitchen habitable. Congratulations, fuckheads. You've become my go-to example of why drugs are bad. I'm going to show those pictures to my kid as I explain why there are no victimless crimes (not that we're said victims- but their landlord sure was).

Sincerely,

Scott and Amanda