If Spencer Could Talk

Me: Ok, Spencer. It's time to go outside.

Spencer: I don't wanna. You have your raincoat on. I think this means it's raining outside.

Me: Let's go buddy.

Spencer: No.

Me: [picks Spencer up, carries him down the stairs]

Spencer: Don't put me down! It's all wet! Nooooo!

Me: [puts Spencer down]

Spencer: I hate you.

Me: Hurry up! The sooner you go, the sooner we can get back inside, and the less wet we both get!

Spencer: I don't understand this concept. I'm going to glare at you and sulk because you made me come out in the rain.

Me: [half-drags Spencer into the grass]

Spencer: Nooooo! Not the grass! That's even worse! I hate wet grass so much!!

Me: Go potty.

Spencer: Fine. Whatever. You suck. Here, see? I'm going.

Me: Good boy!

Spencer: Now let me back in! Let me in! Let me in!

Me: Okay, okay, we're going...

Spencer: Oh, thank god. We're back inside where it's nice and warm. I'm going to snuggle with you on the couch!

Me: No, get down!

Spencer: But I'm all wet!

Me: Exactly- you're all wet. And you're a dog. No couch for you, come back when you've dried off.

Spencer: [gives sad puppy face, waits ten seconds, tries to jump on couch again]

Me: I said no wet dogs on the couch! Go sit in your little you-sized bed.

Spencer: I don't like it anymore, as is evidenced by my constantly trying to destroy it.

Me: Where's your hippo!? Go find your hippo!

Spencer: Hippo? Hippo!! I know what that is! Where is hippo!? I must find Hippo!! [locates hippo]

Me: Good job!

Spencer: [humps hippo and nibbles it's ear for several minutes] ...Hey.

Me: ...

Spencer: HEY!

Me: Whatcha need?

Spencer: I gotta go poo!

Me: We were just out there! Why didn't you poo then?!

Spencer: Because it was wet. I didn't want to be wet.

Me: We need a fenced yard.

Spencer: You say that a lot.